NOthing to look forward to.

So here I am sitting on my ass everyday wondering what I am gonna do next. Despite the boredom sometimes, i actually enjoy being a bum. I get to watch TV everyday and surprise, I dont have to think. And now im actually beginning to meet up with people who I havent met in a million years. Its funny how life works. In highschool, u tend to take advantage of being in the same school and thinking that u will probably continue to see these people for the rest of your life. The thought of never seeing each other again just never sinks in. And now, here I am having coffee with people whom I havent talked for the last four years. As I was sitting there, I realized how everybody's lives changed so much. Everyone seems to be moving on to be doing something and experiencing new things and there I was on a stand still.

So the other the FA asked me again for the second time what I wanted to do when I grow up. I simply answered that I really dont know. God knows that Finance is not what I want to do but that Im stuck with it merely for finding a job. Why do we have to live like this? Why do we have to do things that we dont want to do? And when we do live to the end of our days then what? What am I gonna tell my grandkids? "I live through life like a dream. Wasn't exactly a happy dream but surely a short one. And no, I never really got anything out of it." As I stared at my grandmother, i prayed to God I will never end up like her. Shes almost like a vegetable. She cant hear, cant see, and doesnt know when she is hungry or when she need to go to the bathroom. Whats the point? I remember people say that suicide is an act of cowardness. Well they have not seen my grandmother. How can u possibly have courage when u live that? And be a burden on not only yourself but on others as well. Sometimes I really admire who actually committ suicide. I dont think that its an act of cowardness. I think they took a lot of courage by doing it. Just imagine someone feel that there is absolutely nothing in this world for them to look foward to. They feel they can forfeit something known to them for some unknown. Gosh, I can never do it. Yeah i can be pretty upset and tired of life, but i havent the determination to really give up all that now. Its like, theres something around the corner in life. I guess I have to stay around to uncover all that mystery,

Sometimes, I think if those that died really come back and see how we are doing. I wonder if that concept is just merely us inventing it to make ourselves feel good about us never being alone. I guess I will never know until I actually die, right? Okay, enough about this morbid stuff. I'll post up a happier blog next time, I promise