End of the World

So the other day I had a dream. In the dream, it was like the end of the days. There were water everywhere and waves that were so high that I saw my own apartment sink beneath it. I was on a boat and the fact that I was gonna die pretty soon was starting to hit on me. Even if I managed to survive the high water tides, there was nothing to eat. Everything had died and it came down to how you would die. So in the dream, my boat had a hole in it and it was sinking fast. A voice came to me sounding like my cousin and he said, "When u go, dont try to struggle. Struggling would only make it harder for you. Instead try to accept and it would be easier." So this is when I woke up with a start. What da heck does this dream mean? I was thinking about my life and everything around me. I wonder if the tides symbolizes my life. Struggling symbolizes, well symbolizes struggling in life. It all comes down to should we even struggle in life? Whats the point of doing so much and competing with others, when in the end we will all have the same fate, die? Its like we move around so much from point A to point B that we ended up moving around in a circle. BUt if we dont struggle, what is the point to life? Its like fate is tempting us. They watch us squirm, dodge and run around. In the meantime, they play us like checker pieces. A life which we all have no control but like to think that we do. Yea right.

Talk

As I grow older, I realize that it gets harder and harder to talk to people. Its not the talking, but the fact that u want people to understand you without saying too much words on the topic. Sometimes, I feel that people simply want u to spill your hearts out to them. But what they dont know is that its a huge risk to take. When I express everything, I feel exposed, ashamed even. And I hate myself for it. For being so vulnerable. Yet on the other hand, u want to feel a little sympathy. The hope that the other person listening to you appreciates you for saying it. Yet how much is enough? If I say too much, it defeats the purpose of having someone to understand you. Whats the point when you are working for others? And if they expect you to simply fork over yourself, are they even valued listeners? BUt if I dont say enough, no one seems to know what you want. And eventually all words come down to a bunch of gibberish. Then it leads to feeling ashamed, stupid and why am I doing this to myself again?

But why does this problem seem to happen when u are getting older? When I was young, I am desperate for any listener to listen to me. I tell them about my daily adventures, my likes, dislikes, and quick to point out the tragedies of my family. I feel better after expressing my thoughts and people like me for my quick my-whole-life-all- expressed-in 5-minute conversations. Its like a microwave dinner. Fullfilling and fast. But it felt damn good. But it doesnt feel the same anymore. It feels shallow and the guilt thats involved. Gosh the guilt.

I dont want to be a blank piece of paper where everyone understands me. A friend of mine points out that Im so easy to understand, so predictable. No, Im not! I have so many thoughts in my head right now that I feel like I can burst. Sometimes I feel so suffocated and I dont know what to do except hit a pillow. Gosh, what a dilema life is.