Frusturation
I feel drained....emotionally. I'm so tired about having trying to fix everyone lives when it doesnt really work in the first place. In the end, I just wonder whats the freaking point? Everyone is so god damn upset over nothing. People get pissed at me for reasons that I dont comprehend. I feel used, thrown away like a piece of garbage. I just want to be happy. Why does happiness comes at such a hard price? And no guys, I dont work in a way where you can one day be happy with me and the next day u treat me like crap. I have feelings too. Sometimes, I feel like people are so absorbed in their own misery that they dont acknowledge that there are other people around them who gets infected too. They think that they are in the bottom of their lives and they think that they are the only victims. Im sorry but that is not true. When you get upset, u dragged down the people who cares about you. We dont know what you are thinking and we dont know how to help you. Cant u understand our helplessness? I feel like I watch you change from being really happy to reaching rock bottom, yet I cant save u from your own fall. I get upset too. So why cant u at least try to tell me whats wrong? Instead of shoving people away, why cant u at least let us into your world and share your pain?
And lately I've been feeling more lonely than ever. Maybe its the lack of words that people say, and people just slowly pushing me away from their lives. Recently, during a survey, theres a question: "What is your meaning of life?" My meaning? I dont have one. I live for my parents. I dont live for myself and I certainly dont live for life. Its too hard and I dont fucking care about anyone or anything anymore. I just want to go through life stressfree and not having to worry about what I did wrong, or how other's actions can hurt me. I just want to say to the world, "FUCK YOU, FUCK THIS".
posted by snowmoon85 @ 2:10 AM
1 Comments:
You know how sad I am over the whole situation the past two weeks right? I regret wasting the time that I know should have been one of our best here.
I didn't let you in my world because I think my world, is too complicated, complex and hard... I didn't want you to bare the extra burden because I don't know where the friendships I made here stood. I felt that if you wanted to be part of my problematic side, you would have asked... I didn't understand that I was the one supposed to open up. I guess in trying to spare you guys the sadness, in the process, I eventually dragged you down as well. But please believe me that this is not my intention. I tried to encapsulate my problems the best way I could, isolate myself when I am sad so that you guys wont feel bad or sorry when you see me down. You told me you feel happy here because you left the emotional stuff in NY... and whenever I try to open up to you I feel as if I wouldn't have changed your situation from back home.
I know you feel helpless but I am not asking you to solve my problems. I guess all that I needed in my silence was a voice to say "what's up? how are you?" I just felt alone when no one asked. And I tell you that I am not one to open up because I feel like I'm imposing my problems on you guys. But I don't put the blame on you or any of the others. In such so little time, its amazing how our friendship has grown and I could not have asked for more.
If I could have changed the past weeks believe me I would. If there is one thing I regret about this experience, it has been the past 2 weeks.
Sometimes I feel as if I have so many problems that my friends get tired of it. That's what I feel back at home. I just didnt want the same thing again. But I know the past weeks have been tough for you... and I realize that just putting up with me is in itself a great feat... and I thank you so much for that.
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