self -worth

Last night I had one of the best conversations with my roomie. I had told her earlier that I dont look forward to coming home partly because of the stress and the long cold winter. I also told her that there is really nothing much that is worth for me to come home. Yes, there is my family but I'm not so sure about my friends. There are a lot of let downs and expectations failed. I don't want to go through that again. In fact I feel that I don't matter much to them. Yes, if I'm around its to fill a gap in the table, or to make conversation a little more interesting. Sometimes I wonder when people say that they "miss" me, is it out of formality or do they really mean it? If its out of formality I rather they not say it. Its a waste of my time and it hurts when actions do not go with words. Whats the point of having me find out that its not true afterwards?

But to my surprise my roomie said some really moving words to me. She said that my self esteem is too low. In fact I shouldnt question my self worth, because once you question it, it spills on to affect the relationships you have with your love ones. You have to love yourself or else you wont be able to allow others to love you. And there are reasons as to why people still keep in touch with you, because in the end, maybe they really do care.

Next she went on and said that I shouldnt be finding meaning of myself among other people, but within myself. It is because when we rely on others to look for ourselves, it usually is not enough and we end up being disappointed. So instead of looking for compliments from others to confirm you, it is up to us to confirm our own self worth. Finally she comes up to me, looks me in the eye and pats me on the shoulder and said that she is sure that I am important to many people.

These were the kindest words that anyone can say to me and I think I am "enlightened" for the first time. I think in this world, we are all very lonely and just needs some sort of confirmation from other people. Makes me think about my own actions. And its true, I cant even remember the last time that I told my parents that I love them or that my friends are pretty important to me. Maybe its time that I start saying it and actually meaning it.