loneliness

Its New Years and its supposedly the warmest day of the whole year. But it doesn't feel that way. I've never felt so far apart from everyone. Yesterday, out of spite, I took a day off and just went off to wherever I feel like. I walked on Broadway hoping the rustling of people would get me to be happier only I felt worse. I find myself looking around for the smallest, quietest coffee shop around so I can bury myself in my book and hide away from the world. Then of course given there are none on union square I ended up at Jas Mart, bought two sushi balls, a cappuccino and hid myself in one of the small cubicles and read my book. I was in bliss for a while only I felt pitiful and even hated myself for being such a coward. I felt retarded for walking a half mile away from home only to be sitting there eating and reading my damn book. Whats the point?

I told my bf later on that night of my events and he said "o, thats nice. I'm so proud of you." I wish he understood a little more about my fear of being alone. He never could nor try to reach that part of me. He takes my tantrums but he never went to the source. But I shouldnt be so damn reliant on him. I've lost just about everyone around me and I'm starting to blame it on him, felt he was responsible when he had no clue in the first place. I'm furious with myself and I know people can't help you love life, you just have to love it for yourself.

I want to reach out to a friend who recently denied me. I thought he understood me best, the pain, the suffering. But how can I possibly reach out to someone who has rejected you in his heart? I don't know. God really works in mysterious ways. He gave me what I wanted only to lose the things I already have. Be careful what you wish for, my lesson of the day.